Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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