if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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