He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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