The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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