I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
