Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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