i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
