what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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