After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
