I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
no, he came in my armpit
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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