i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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