Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
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I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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