I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Randomize
