1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
