I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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