I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
