half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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