So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
