I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
