True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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