Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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