Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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