sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
