Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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