you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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