Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
