I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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