I have demons in me.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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