apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Randomize
