Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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