my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
