Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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