he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
