please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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