just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
