Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
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New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
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The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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