I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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