I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
