Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
