My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
