I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
