Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
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He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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