I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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