I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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