I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
