Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
it was like eating out sand paper
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
