you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
