My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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