mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
