You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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