Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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