careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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