Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Hippo gnu deer
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
