I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
