she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My bed smells like the plague
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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