Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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