do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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