he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
