From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I AM VODKA MAN
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
