Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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