Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
