My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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